Converting a "dirty old man" into a "Dirty Old Man"

At 62 I think of myself as upper middle aged. But there are many who would say I qualify to be called an old man. Until a few months ago, based on my actions, I qualified to be called a dirty old man in the worst of that phrases meanings.

I had never written down what I believed about nudity. But if I had I would have said that people who display their bodies are sinful (whatever that means), wicked, and not the type of person "good people" should associate with. And that men who look at women who displayed their bodies, either directly or in pictures, are sinful (there's that word again), debase, and also not to be associated with.

I am not sure who caused me to think this way, but I have three ideas:

1): My mother: I was about ten, and needed something from the first aid kit that was kept in my parents bathroom. I don't remember if I thought my mother was out, or if I knocked and she did not hear, but I got to the middle of the bedroom, headed toward the bathroom, when my mother came out of the bathroom, naked. She did a quick cover up and angrily (or so I thought) asked me what I was doing there. When I told her she told me to go to my room, she would bring me what I needed. When she did she did not say any thing about our encounter, leaving me with the idea not only is nudity wrong, but so is talking about it.

2): My cousin. I was about thirteen, and we were visiting my mother's sisters family. My cousin, who is four years older than me, suggested we play cards in his room. He laughed at my expression when I picked up my hand. Each card had a different naked girl pictured on it. He took the cards and showed me his favorites, commenting on their various body parts. But when he heard someone coming he quickly hid the cards, teaching me that you don't let others know you look at that type of thing.

3): My wife. Even after 34 years of marriage she is still uncomfortable with me seeing her naked. If we see a women who is allowing the world to see her beauty, like a girl wearing a tight sweater and low pants with several inches of skin in between, my wife always comments about the trashy styles. If we are watching TV and a PYG in a revealing outfit comings on, she says "you don't want to see this" (a statement, not a question) and changes the channel. In addition to reinforcing the idea that a women displaying her body is immoral I am reminded that us good people do not want to see it.

I am not sure if it is in spite of this education, or because of it that I ended up spending hour surfing the web for porn sites.

Three years ago the job that I loved got exported. A short time later we got an unexpected inheritance which meant that I could retire at the age of 59. My hobby has always been my computer, and now I had time to play on it all I wanted. The first time I typed "nude" into a search engine was just to see if what everyone was saying was true, or so I told myself. Soon I was spending hours going from one site to another, downloading every picture I found of a naked girl. Two afternoons a week my wife was not at home which provided me time to surf without fear she would walk in on me. I put those 6 hours a week to good use, accumulating over 10,000 pictures. Not bad with a dial up.

And then a few months ago I found DOMAI.COM. At first I treated it like any other girlie site, going from section to section, downloading the photographs as fast as I could. Then one day, while harvesting pictures from your news letters, I stopped long enough to read the letter. I found it interesting, so I read the next. And then the next. And then I came to the one from a man who compared looking at your photos to savoring fine wine, and what I had been doing to a man drinking to get drunk. I thought about that, and realized that what I had been doing was giving me no pleasure. I never even went back to enjoy the photos I had.

I read your goals and philosophy, and I decided that I wanted to be a Dirty Old Man.

I would like to say it was a metamorphosis, that I changed and that was that. But it is more like Jekyll and Hyde. One day I spend going through my accumulation of photos, discarding most, enjoying the few beautiful PYGs I find, leaving some to reevaluate. Then the next day I stumble on a new site, and I download every photo I can.

I have found that beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. Some of the pictures on your site I find I do not care for. And some of the pictures from the worst of the porn sites I find very appealing. At first I thought I could only qualify to be a DOM if I discarded all the explicit photos I had. But then I rereading your philosophy: "There is nothing dirty or unethical about enjoying the sight of a beautiful woman". It does not say "in a wholesome pose".

One other conclusion I have reached while sorting my library is that my enjoyment of a picture is based as much on the attitude the model projects as it is on her physical characteristics. Some models look like they have been coerced into participating. Others have that dead look I remember from the people I used to work with who were only there for the pay check. Even if the model has the most appealing body, if her face shows either of those expressions I find it easy to delete. The keepers all show a joy with sharing their beauty. Some, especially from the amateur sites, are fearful on allowing others to see them. But it is a joyful fear that I read about in your news letters from women when they were able to finally take the plunge.

I wonder how my life might have been different if my mother had been confident with her nudity, or I had married a girl who could help me enjoy the beauty that the naked body is. I have not yet openly admired a PYG in the presents of my wife. I know that that would cause a very large conflict between us, and I am not sure I want the consequences that it would bring. But when I am by myself I am working hard to become a proud Dirty Old Man.

I am definitely a work in progress, and I would be interested in your thoughts and inputs.

Max W